i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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