my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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