I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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