respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
They are going to name an STD after you.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
