I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
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