Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
