I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
