just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
