as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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