the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
