My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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