Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
