I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
There are leaves in my underwear?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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