Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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