Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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