Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
