I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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