living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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