i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
