Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
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