So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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