Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
