you're like a bully in the Christmas story
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
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