one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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