She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
