mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
P.S. I can't hear my feet
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
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