My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
