It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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