I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
