This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
