im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
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