Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
