Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
