I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
