I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
