I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
