good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
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