He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
