Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
