That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
