i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Randomize
