Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
