So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
