So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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