I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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