I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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