I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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