shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
