My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
