Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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