I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
